Friday, September 5, 2008

It's my birthday!

And I wish I were happier. Truth be told, I keep putting on this brave face, in the hope that my feelings will follow my actions. . .and it's just not working. My heart's sick and I hurt. I can't believe what a year this has been: parts of it the worst pain I've had in my life. I keep trying to move on, trying to acknowledge that it hurts so I can heal, but I'm not having any luck with the latter. Lots of acknowledging, lots of pain - not much healing. Here's hoping I can look back a year from now, and see the forest for the trees. Here's hoping that I'll see from then that where I am now really is a place of growth. It sure doesn't feel like a place of growth, or anything resembling growth, right now. It just hurts. Even my friends are getting tired of hearing me whine about all of this. Acknowledge the pain, they say, immediately followed with "don't dwell on it." I don't see any difference between those two. If I say "it hurts," then it hurts - is that acknowledging or dwelling? The worst part is that I don't know how to move forward. Don't worry about "how," they say - just move. But if you don't know how to move then how do you move???

Happy birthday to me.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Addicted to. . .

So, in meeting my kid's bus today...no kid! The bus comes, the kids get off, and my Muffin's not there. EEEK!! My first thought: to call the ex.

My friend Stacey on her blog talks about addiction today:

Take the woman who's been married for 20 years who suddenly gets sucker punched with, "I want a divorce." If that husband has been the woman's addiction for so long, wouldn't it make sense that the healing process might look a lot like recovery? Cravings for his company or to be in his life in some way...all encompassing thoughts that border on obsession at times...the inability to see where he ends and she begins.

I, of course, have NO idea who she could be referring to! I realize I'm addicted to the thought pattern of having the ex there to lean on. They say that recognizing addiction is the first step in overcoming it. That means I've taken the first step!

Woo hoo!!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Acceptance

Remember the old Serenity prayer: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."?

That's where I am now. Muffin learned to ride a bike yesterday, and I wasn't there. Ex's girlfriend taught her. And nobody even thought to call me and share the news with me. Today I find out that Ex and his girlfriend are getting married. . .just as soon as both of their divorces are final and they've waited the 60-day waiting period. How completely irrelevant does that make me?

Maybe I was irrelevant all along. But does it really matter? Intellectually I know that what matters is where I am now, and how I grow from this point. I know that I will get to the place where I believe this is the best thing that ever happened to me. I will get to the place where I see myself as . . .me. . not as someone whose husband left them, or that this horrible thing happened to. I just don't know how to take that step.

"They" say to not worry about the "how." They say to simply see myself in that place, and the "how" will take care of itself.

Leap of faith, here I come:

I am strong. I am compassionate and caring and desirable and smart and competent and good and . . . this IS the best thing that ever happened to me because it's enabled me to learn all of those lessons and to value those characteristics about myself.