Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Look what I did!


Remember when you signed people's high school yearbooks? At our school, you could also select a quote to put under your name at the index. My senior year, I picked two: "This, above all else: to thine own self be true." And the second: "Where ever you go, there you are" (Ultimate geekdom - name the late '70s sci-fi movie that's from!)

That first one, "To thine own self be true," is harder to do than you'd think, especially when you've buried yourself under layers of doing what you think other people want you to do and to be. One of the things I was "supposed" to be was "responsible." Oh yeah - and dignified.
So, yesterday as I was with my daughter and her best friend at Space Center Houston, the girls were playing on the temporary exhibit: Daredevil Island. (To check it out, go here: http://www.spacecenter.org/CurrentExhibit.html )

As I watched the girls, I started to itch with "I want to do that." The old me would have remained dignified and responsible and on the ground. The new me, however, launched onto a giant trapeze, tried to climb a two-story bungee tower, strapped on a harness and navigated a rope maze 10 feet off the ground - and smiled a million-watt-smile the whole time. It was so exhilarating! To do what was fun, and not worry about impressing or disappointing anybody!

Man - what a rush! From towels to THIS!

(Oh yeah - and I also paid $4 to climb into a tiny capsule in which a video simulation of a martian roller-coaster ride played as the capsule itself lurched in synchronization with the motions of the film. Thirty seconds into the ride my nauseated stomach and claustrophobic body wanted OUT, but I did manage to make it to the end without hurling!)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Who am I?

Talked to a friend on the phone last night. He's in his blissful second marriage, after his first dissolved in a fashion not dissimilar to mine. He pointed out that right now, I have no CLUE who I am. And he's right! (Scroll down to the John Denver songs lower on this page if you doubt me.) I spent 18 years trying to be the good wife and do what "he" wanted that I've completely lost sight of what I want. Don't even know what that is! Heck, I bought new towels for the powder room two days ago - BROWN instead of the white that had been in there, and it felt like a huge success! Really - it felt as if I'd conquered the world! I made a decision on my own, without consulting anyone or worrying about doing it wrong. I'm pretty sure I like the brown, but am just not sure what else I may - or may not - like. I do now, however, that finding out is going to be an adventure! It means I'll get to try all sort of new things and see which of them I enjoy and which I don't. One thing's for sure: I'm pretty certain I don't like sushi!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Let it be

Today is more of a Beatles day. . . need to work some more on Letting it Be. Accepting. Sometimes I just need to work on accepting that sometimes things are hard for me to accept. I try so hard to control things and MAKE things happen, that I have a hard time letting those things just roll along on their own. What do I mean? Well, making new friends, for instance. I spent so long living in someone else's shadow that I'm having a hard time letting myself relax and make new friends. You can't MAKE people be your friend - you can only relax, be you and let nature take its course. I get so busy being scared people may not like me that I try to force the issue - with results exactly 180 degrees from those that I wanted. Somehow, though, writing about it helps.

Life is really good, the universe knows what it's doing, and if I'll congratulate myself on the things I'm doing well rather than focusing on the weak spots, I'll be much happier at the end of the day.

On a mundane note, the truck's A/C is out - the manifold hose is apparently dead. That wil be $500, thank you very much. How am I supposed to do that?? Again - step back and let the universe manage things. They will unfold as they are supposed to. But oh boy - that's hard to do!

Look for it in the future, bloggees - I suspect there will be LOTS of posts on this topic.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Looking for Space

More John Denver - it really captures where I am right now.


Looking For Space

On the road of experience,
I'm trying to find my own way.
Sometimes I wish that I could fly away
When I think that I'm moving,
suddently things stand still
I'm afraid 'cause I think they always will

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand
It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair

All alone in the universe,
sometimes that's how it seems
I get lost in the sadness and the screams
Then I look in the center,
suddently everything's clear
I find myself in the sunshine and my dreams

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand
It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair

On the road of experience,
join in the living day
if there's an answer,
it's just that
it's just that way

When you're looking for space
And to find out who you are
When you're looking to try and reach the stars
It's a sweet, sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
But sometimes I'm deep in despair

Sometimes I fly like an eagle,
like an eagle
I go flying high

Sweet Surrender

Sometimes John Denver's lyrics hit close to home:

Sweet Surrender

Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
Traveled by many, remembered by few
Lookin' for something that I can believe in
Lookin' for something that I'd like to do with my life

There's nothin' behind me and
nothin' that ties me to
Something that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open
right now it seems to be more than enough
To just be here today,
and I don't know
What the future is holdin' in store
I don't know where I'm goin'
I'm not sure where I've been
There's a spirit that guides me,
a light that shines for me
My life is worth the livin',
I don't need to see the end

Sweet, sweet surrender,
live, live without care
Like a fish in the water, like a bird in the air.