It's my birthday!

And I wish I were happier. Truth be told, I keep putting on this brave face, in the hope that my feelings will follow my actions. . .and it's just not working. My heart's sick and I hurt. I can't believe what a year this has been: parts of it the worst pain I've had in my life. I keep trying to move on, trying to acknowledge that it hurts so I can heal, but I'm not having any luck with the latter. Lots of acknowledging, lots of pain - not much healing. Here's hoping I can look back a year from now, and see the forest for the trees. Here's hoping that I'll see from then that where I am now really is a place of growth. It sure doesn't feel like a place of growth, or anything resembling growth, right now. It just hurts. Even my friends are getting tired of hearing me whine about all of this. Acknowledge the pain, they say, immediately followed with "don't dwell on it." I don't see any difference between those two. If I say "it hurts," then it hurts - is that acknowledging or dwelling? The worst part is that I don't know how to move forward. Don't worry about "how," they say - just move. But if you don't know how to move then how do you move???

Happy birthday to me.