Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Happy New Year!

The truly observant will note that my "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year" posts are within minutes of each other. SHHHhhh. . maybe nobody will notice!

It's been a roller coaster of a year, but it's definitely ending UP! The divorce was obviously a biggie - but even bigger was the rediscovery of ME. I hadn't realized how much of myself I'd buried for hubby, so that I could be the "good wife," but it was almost all of my true self. Now that I'm able to relax and spread my wings, just about anything is possible! Including turning ex's deep-green man cave into a lovely seafoam colored office for myself. It's gorgeous!

For those wanting a year-end wrapup by someone more erudite than myself, I give you Dave Barry's 2008 in review.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas this year was . . . . WONDERFUL! I confess to being a little concerned - first Christmas with just the Muffin and myself. But . . .WOW! We've created some of our own new traditions, and edited enough old ones, to make Christmas truly ours. Christmas even, for example, we went to church early (4:30), and then had time to go to IHOP for dinner. So nice! Then home, to open one present and watch Christmas movies on TV. Christmas day we got up, opened our packages, played for a while, then went to family's home to play and visit some more.

What was I worried about? Well, I was worried it would feel too empty without the ex. Nope! No empty feeling at all! In fact, I had a nice, warm, contended feeling that tingled all the way down to my toes. It was MY day, with MY girl, and it could be what ever I wanted it to be.

And it was!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

NEVER get involved in a land war in Asia!

And NEVER ask fate "is that all you've got"?

Why? Because when you do, here's what happens:
- You go out to get into the truck the day after it's snowed, turn the key, and hear "click click click click." Classic sounds of a very dead battery. Two cars can't jump it, so AAA must be called to use their super industrial booster and cables. The truck starts, you go to Auto Zone and buy a new battery which the very nice man installs for you, and you're on your way.

- Two days later you take the truck in for a routine oil change, and are told that the adapter that connects the oil filter to the block is bad, and the truck is blowing oil. Get another quote, and get that fixed.

- And then you come down with bronchitis. The annual case struck at its usual inconvenient time. (Rhetorial question: is there a convenient time?) Two days of bed rest and coughing do wonders for the abs and back muscles. OUCH. But hey - the x-ray showed I don't have pneumonia!
But you know what - it's STILL OK! Even though life is throwing major curve balls at me, I seem to be doing a fairly good impersonation of President Bush ducking Iraqi shoes. No major harm - no major foul. Inconvenient? Yes. But insurmountable? Nope!

Oh, and the EX is getting married in two days. Know what - it almost doesn't matter. And strangely, it doesn't hurt to think about. Also, the wife-to-be wrote me a long e-mail explaining how they didn't have an affair, and that they both love the Muffin. She's making an effort to build bridges. As long as we all keep Muffin at the forefront, even this will be OK.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


In South Texas. South of Houston, Texas, in fact. My house has gotten almost two INCHES!! (Ok - that may be a very slight exaggeration, but I'm certain it's over an inch. . that's how much accumulated on top of my patio table!)

You see, it's all my doing! I took Muffin to see Santa last weekend, for the annual visit, photos, and gift request. She only asked for two things: a camera, and snow. After communicating with her dad I learned he'd already gotten the camera (weeks ago, apparently. .thanks for letting me know). So, that just left the snow. And here it is!

Thanks, Santa! Life really IS good.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Is that all you got?

So, life gets challenging sometimes. The day after Thanksgiving, as I was laid up from surgery, couldn't breathe and barely had the energy to switch from laying in the bed upstairs to laying on the couch downstairs. . I notice that the food in my freezer isn't very cold. Hmmm. . maybe I just left the door ajar. Close it firmly. Check again hours later. Nope - now the food is even LESS cold. And the food in the fridge is warming up too.

Fast forward another few hours. . The fridge is officially "Dead, Jim." So, I call Sears, with whom I have a (not cheap) service contract for this Kenmore appliance. "Certainly ma'am. We'll have our technician out there as soon as possible. Which will be next Thursday."

You know what - big deal! So I lived out of an ice chest for six days. That's nothing! And it truly wasn't a big deal. As long as I remembered to stop by the grocery and get ice every day it really wasn't a big problem.

And when the technician showed up several hours early on Thursday to repair the fridge, it also wasn't the end of the world. Yes, I was at work when he called to say he was coming. Yes, I missed the phone call and so he didn't come. Yes, I'd requested an afternoon appoitnment, and yes, I'd even asked to be the last appointment of the day. I'm still not sure how 10:30 a.m. fits that bill. Oh, and yes, I'd asked that he call my cell phone when en route. Also - didn't happn. But also - no huge deal!

I get home Thursday night, make two frustrated phone calls and am told that it will be following Wednesday (yes, the 10th) before another technician can be schedule to come out. Fussing, objecting and sounding very stern had no effect. So Friday afternoon I tried again and the wonderfully helpful woman with the routing office finally understood that two weeks without refrigeration in a setting that's not immediately following a hurrican really isn't acceptable. So she magically created a technician, sent him over, and he replaced the faulty relay within 15 minutes. And there was much rejoicing!

In fact, thanks to my wonderful Sears service contract I can expect a check at the end of the week for $250 to reimburse me for the food lost when the fridge died.

See? No harm. No foul. And yet another example that I can weather any storm!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

When is "right" wrong?

Had a conversation with a very wise friend about being "right." What if what I think is "right" hurts someone else.

Well, hurting people isn't right. However, sometimes that hurt is an unfortunate byproduct of being "right." Can't live my life afraid to do what my heart and soul and the universe tell me is the right thing to do just because it might hurt somebody. . . that's a no-win situation! There's no way to make everybody happy. . . even if you do nothing, somebody's going to be pissed off.

So, have to do what the universe tells me to. What my own sense of "Right" says to do. But if that "right" does happen to hurt somebody then I still have to own up to it and apologize for that hurt. . . not bulldoze over them and say "tough it up!"

Of course, there also are no absolutes. Sometimes I truly may not care about the fallout. But when somebody I love gets caught in the crossfire then I can't just ignore it.

Thanks, wise friend!

* Addendum. Wise friend also reminded me that "right" isn't always cut-and-dried. Sometimes "right" is simply the path where the least harm is done. Getting into a pissing contest over who's the most right just ends up with everybody getting pee'd on.

Christmas already!

Ok, so the tree is up, ornaments on, inside of the house completely decorated. And may I say, it looks better and more festive than in years! There's only one small problem. . NO PRESENTS!!

The challenge is in a) brainstorming for gifts without someone to bounce ideas off of; and b) finding time to shop. I've finished making three of the gifts, but still have to crank out a bunch more, and come up with ideas for my brothers-in-law. They're the hardest! Anybody got any good ideas for guy-gifts??? PLEASE???!!!

And I've only gotten ONE present for Muffin. I wish her Dad and I could communicate about her wish list (are we both getting her cameras? Neither? Only one? Which one?) But hey - wishing never fixed anything, so I just have to decide whether I'm going to bite the bullet and get her one. I just have to pretend I'm the only parent, and move on that way.

Went to a concert this afternoon: The Houston Tidelanders. Barbershop Quartet harmony, but this isn't your granddad's barbershopping. Fun music and an AMAZING guest group from Conroe High School called "Finally Friday." Mixed acapella chorus and they were good! It was fun to get out with my mom, sister and the Muffin for some fun girl time.

Life just gets better every day!

Friday, December 5, 2008

And now . . . for something completely different!

I looked back over all my posts. . and realized they're basically the same post over and over: I will survive. This will make me stronger and better. I'm going to be OK.

Ok, gang, news flash: we're done with all of that! I haven't posted in a while because I thought the divorce was all I could post about. I'm (mostly) done, so we're heading out into the brave unknown. The rest of my world is my oyster, so . . here we go!

This week? Well, did you know that when you spend five hours in an operating room having your sinuses roto-rootered out and your septum straightened that it takes a LONG time to recover? The doc said "You'll be laid up for a week." Silly me - I thought she just meant "inconvenience." Nope - completely laid up. But I caught up on my reading (Twilight is good) and my backlog of TiVo'd shows (House, CSI, and some Boston Legal).

And did you know that when they operate on your sinuses like that you'll spend a week virtually unable to breathe through your nose? That's an adventure. . eating without breathing through your nose.

It really wasn't too bad. . there was never any pain, even in the recovery, but MAN was I weak! Went back to work this Wednesday, 10 days after the surgery, and just dressing, getting Muffin out and getting myself into the building had me shaking by the time I got to my desk.

Lesson learned: It's OK to ask for help. You don't have to do everything by yourself. People love you. . and they will be happy to help you BECAUSE they love you. THANKS, Jan and Mary and Stacey!! I love you all too!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Butterfly's Lesson

Uploaded on authorSTREAM by phildavi

It's a powerful lesson. It takes pain for strength to emerge.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Long time no see

Wow! I can't believe it's been a month since I posted anything.

Ike was frightening. My mom, Muffin and I went to a friend's on Friday, the day the storm hit. We stayed there during the storm and for the two days after - with no electricity. I think if I'd been by myself it might have been OK, but it was hard keeping the girls amused. The EX actually did a good thing. He suggested that Muffin spend the storm with me, even though it was technically his weekend. That sure helped. I knew she was safe. Long story short - after nine days out of my home because I had no electricity (but some friends did) I finally got to spend the night in my own bed. No serious damage - mainly roof shingles and a thousand dollars worth of food in my freezer.

Now if I could just a roofer to come give me an estimate on the damage!

Making lemons out of lemonade - the overcrowded freezer was making me crazy. Now it's completely clean and organized!

The divorce was final just after the storm. I don't even know the date.

The EX has turned a corner. He's not remotely interested in being my friend of having a positive relationship with me. He will only discuss the Muffin. I've tried so many times I've lost count to have him address where we are so we can move forward. Silly me! He wouldn't address it while we were married. Why should he do so now??

Actually, I'm learning to accept things. My marriage is over, and a new chapter of my life has begun. The EX firmly believes that nothing he and the woman did was wrong, inappropriate or disrespectful. In fact, she keeps threatening to sue me if I imply that there was. Yeah. Right. Two problems with that. First, she has to prove "harm" - and nobody she knows has spoken to me. Second, she has to prove what I'm saying is untrue. Big Ha! The two of them professed their love for each other in March. They made a bet involving whipped cream, handcuffs and champagne in April. And on and on and on. I'm simply stating facts.

As for accepting things. I am. This is the reality of my life - part of which is accepting that the ex is not going to be in it at all. That means I can make new friends and fill that hole in my world another way. Does it still hurt? Sure. But I'm also accepting that a) this hurts; b) it's going to hurt for a long time; and c) I can get through this with the help of all my loving friends!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Hurricane update

Well, the news media is showing tragedy and destruction: flooding, fires, winds. Here in Pearland, we have, um, flickering lights. That's it! The winds are picking up a little bit, palm trees swaying back and forth, but it's not even dramatic enough to scare Muffin and her friend.

It's interesting watching the news - I can't seem to tear myself away. It's macabre, I tell you. "Oh, look - the storm has moved 5 miles! Wow!"

The worst item at this point is simply that all the winds seem to have stirred up pollens that my nose does not like. And the lights do keep flickering. No telling how long they'll stay on - or how long they'll be off once they go out for good.

Until they do, hold good thoughts. We're high and dry!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Who invited Ike?

So, looks like we'll have this unwelcome visitor: Ike. Muffin and I are staying put. In fact, my mom's even coming over to be with us. I was frightened earlier today, but have come to realize that a) I'm complying with the officials' emergency directives, and b) I'm doing the best I can with what I have. So, my wonderful nephew came over to help me move the patio furniture into the garage, I brought my trash back into the house, made an last-minute run to HEB, and got all the ice out of the freezer so that I can refill it tomorrow. I'm doing last-minute loads of laundry, and will clean the bathtubs and fill them with water tomorrow afternoon. After that, I'm not sure what else I can do, so I'm calm and confident at this point.

By the way, HEB rocks! I went out at 5 this afternoon, drove past the boarded-up and close Wal-Mart on my way to the well-stocked HEB. They even had batteries! People were calm, even joking and friendly. One nice young couple even offered to carry my groceries out to the car for me. (Jeez, I don't look that old, do I??) Kudos to the store, for being well-stocked and well-managed!

I'll try to keep posting as long as I can, until we lose power. Hold good thoughts!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Who's in control here?

So, conventional wisdom says that even if you can't control what's happening to you, then you can control your response to it

If only that were accurate! It's far from it, for two reasons. First, is the Clayton Williams model. Remember him? He lost a 1990 bid for the Texas governor's seat after observing that bad weather is similar to rape. If it's going to happen to you anyway then you may as well lay back and enjoy it. EXCUSE ME? The ex dumps a load of crap on me and since I can't prevent it then I may as well enjoy getting f#*ked?? Puh-leaze! That implies that since I can't control these I may as well enjoy it.

The second reason conventional wisdom isn't so wise is the conflicting conventional wisdom which says that when something sucks that it's more than OK to acknowledge and to feel that pain. So, how do I "choose my response" as beng reasoned and calm, while simultaneously acknowledging and feeling the eviscerating pain? Doing both doesn't seem terribly feasible.

So...then what DO I do when the ex pulls yet another one? Like decreeing that it's OK for Muffin to do things with him and the mistress in a pseudo-family setting but not with the three of us because she will "misunderstand". Or packing up, moving out and leaving rooms full of mess and junk that he just doesn't want to deal with, but that I get to clean up? (AKA a metaphor for this whole process!). Or having the mistress teach my kid to ride a bike?

I'm going to keep looking for an answer. I can't "not let it bother me," but I also can't seethe over it endlessly. I'm sure there's a third option, but I don't see it yet. I suspect it's in that category of "forgiveness" - of acknowledging that such behavior is just part and parcel of who he is, and that expecting anything different would be tantamount to expecting him to breathe water. It just cannot happen because he is constitutionally incapable of it.

Does that mean it's acceptable when he pulls this garbage? No. So how do I deal with it? I'm not sure yet, but I'm going to keep searching high and low for a healthy way to do so.

And breathe.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Puddle? What puddle?

Oh - me. That puddle. The one who sat in the corner of her bedroom sobbing for two hours yesterday, convinced that she was a horrible person and completely worthless because so very many people are now telling her that she should be over the pain of this divorce. I actually was feeling as if I didn't want to face the whole world. Wasn't going to kill myself - just didn't want to come out of my corner. Ever. One person even went so far as to observe "You know, I don't know that she wants to get over this."

Huh? Doesn't want to get over the feeling that my guts are spread all over the floor and the very viscera of my being is oozing all over the world? Doesn't want to get over the exhausting pain, throbbing through my marrow every minute of every day? WHAT THE F*#&;?? Of COURSE I want to get over this!

The other school of thought among my friends says that my problem is that I've not allowed myself to fully experience the pain. Well, of course not! Allowing myself to experience the pain results in me sitting in the floor sobbing for hours and what good does THAT do? I just end up exhausted at the end of it, and embarrassed!

However, one wise person did point out that it's about time for me to try forgiveness. What does forgiveness mean? It doesn't mean saying that the way I was treated was acceptable. It doesn't mean telling the ex that what he did was OK. Far from it. I think it just means not holding the actions of the others against them. The litany is long, and includes things like this:

1) In December, the now-ex comes home giddy about the job candidate he's interviewing, making sure to tell the wife how "hot" she is and that she's a former model.
2) In January, the now-ex and wife go to a function the former job candidate (now employee) chairs. Afterward, the husband e-mails his best friend about how he'd like to have sex with the woman.
3) In February, after the now-ex and wife share their Valentine's dinner, the now-ex calls the woman and spends an hour on the phone with her, giggling and being silly. The wife doesn't hear the entire conversation, but at one point he's holding the phone to the dog's ear, so the woman can talk to the dog.
4) From the day the woman is hired, she and the now-ex spend numerous nights "working" at the office, the two of them staying alone until midnight - and later.
5) In March, the wife overhears the now-ex and the woman saying how they love each other.
6) In April, the husband and the woman make a bet involving the NCAA final basketball game. Loser gets to tie the winner to the bed, and must bring whipped cream, restraints, and champagne.
7) The wife, growing increasingly suspicious, starts checking the now-ex's Blackberry. She finds e-mails between the two of them: "I love you."

So, when the two of them announce in August that they're getting married - but that No, they weren't having an affair, I'm supposed to a) believe them and b) forgive them? HUH?

Actually, it doesn't matter. It's completely irrelevant whether Tab A actually went into Slot B or not. They may or may not have actually had "an affair," but they were rude and disrespectful. Forgiving them means understanding that the two are inherently irresponsible, disrespectful, and inconsiderate. They truly see nothing wrong with any of their actions - just like a hurricane sees nothing wrong with its actions. The wake of havoc it leaves behind is merely an artifact of its nature, not the result of any conscious choice.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that their behaviors were good or even decent - the behaviors are merely artifacts of the character of the two of them, and it's pointless for me to waste energy worrying about it. The two of them are NEVER going to understand that their behavior was irresponsible, inconsiderate and disrespectful. They're never going to come close to apologizing for it. However, I'm going to try very hard to stop wasting energy on them. I'm not going to let it get to me - for past behaviors, or the myriad future ones I'm certain are to come.


Friday, September 5, 2008

It's my birthday!

And I wish I were happier. Truth be told, I keep putting on this brave face, in the hope that my feelings will follow my actions. . .and it's just not working. My heart's sick and I hurt. I can't believe what a year this has been: parts of it the worst pain I've had in my life. I keep trying to move on, trying to acknowledge that it hurts so I can heal, but I'm not having any luck with the latter. Lots of acknowledging, lots of pain - not much healing. Here's hoping I can look back a year from now, and see the forest for the trees. Here's hoping that I'll see from then that where I am now really is a place of growth. It sure doesn't feel like a place of growth, or anything resembling growth, right now. It just hurts. Even my friends are getting tired of hearing me whine about all of this. Acknowledge the pain, they say, immediately followed with "don't dwell on it." I don't see any difference between those two. If I say "it hurts," then it hurts - is that acknowledging or dwelling? The worst part is that I don't know how to move forward. Don't worry about "how," they say - just move. But if you don't know how to move then how do you move???

Happy birthday to me.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Addicted to. . .

So, in meeting my kid's bus today...no kid! The bus comes, the kids get off, and my Muffin's not there. EEEK!! My first thought: to call the ex.

My friend Stacey on her blog talks about addiction today:

Take the woman who's been married for 20 years who suddenly gets sucker punched with, "I want a divorce." If that husband has been the woman's addiction for so long, wouldn't it make sense that the healing process might look a lot like recovery? Cravings for his company or to be in his life in some way...all encompassing thoughts that border on obsession at times...the inability to see where he ends and she begins.

I, of course, have NO idea who she could be referring to! I realize I'm addicted to the thought pattern of having the ex there to lean on. They say that recognizing addiction is the first step in overcoming it. That means I've taken the first step!

Woo hoo!!

Monday, September 1, 2008


Remember the old Serenity prayer: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."?

That's where I am now. Muffin learned to ride a bike yesterday, and I wasn't there. Ex's girlfriend taught her. And nobody even thought to call me and share the news with me. Today I find out that Ex and his girlfriend are getting married. . .just as soon as both of their divorces are final and they've waited the 60-day waiting period. How completely irrelevant does that make me?

Maybe I was irrelevant all along. But does it really matter? Intellectually I know that what matters is where I am now, and how I grow from this point. I know that I will get to the place where I believe this is the best thing that ever happened to me. I will get to the place where I see myself as . . .me. . not as someone whose husband left them, or that this horrible thing happened to. I just don't know how to take that step.

"They" say to not worry about the "how." They say to simply see myself in that place, and the "how" will take care of itself.

Leap of faith, here I come:

I am strong. I am compassionate and caring and desirable and smart and competent and good and . . . this IS the best thing that ever happened to me because it's enabled me to learn all of those lessons and to value those characteristics about myself.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Well, it's about TIME!

About time I figured out that what matters is what I think - not what anybody else thinks. About time I figured out that I can't make someone like me. Can't make them consider my point of view. Can't even make them believe that I have a right to that point of view. All I can do is take care of me. It's very liberating, actually!
No, I'm not going to be rude to those people, but I'm no longer going to bust my back trying to make them like me. I've worried so long about being "nice," and not upsetting others than I put myself last faaaarrr too often. No more!
At my core I'm a very nice person. I work very hard to take care of everybody else, and to make everybody else happy happy happy. Silly me! Not to say that's not important - but it's also important to make sure I'm happy - and to make sure that my someone else's happiness does NOT come at my expense!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Practice makes. . ..

When I was in school and trying to play the oboe, I wanted to be really good at it now, not after I spent interminable hours practicing. Practicing was decidedly un-fun, you see! I didn't want the inconvenience of the practice, I wanted instantaneous success! This process is much the same - I want to be fully happy again now, without having to go through the un-fun parts of healing and growing for a while. However, I'm realizing that the two are extremely similar. The healing now, and the oboe practice sessions then, are a necessary step toward the end result. Without them, I'll just be stuck as a mediocre oboe player!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Look what I did!

Remember when you signed people's high school yearbooks? At our school, you could also select a quote to put under your name at the index. My senior year, I picked two: "This, above all else: to thine own self be true." And the second: "Where ever you go, there you are" (Ultimate geekdom - name the late '70s sci-fi movie that's from!)

That first one, "To thine own self be true," is harder to do than you'd think, especially when you've buried yourself under layers of doing what you think other people want you to do and to be. One of the things I was "supposed" to be was "responsible." Oh yeah - and dignified.
So, yesterday as I was with my daughter and her best friend at Space Center Houston, the girls were playing on the temporary exhibit: Daredevil Island. (To check it out, go here: http://www.spacecenter.org/CurrentExhibit.html )

As I watched the girls, I started to itch with "I want to do that." The old me would have remained dignified and responsible and on the ground. The new me, however, launched onto a giant trapeze, tried to climb a two-story bungee tower, strapped on a harness and navigated a rope maze 10 feet off the ground - and smiled a million-watt-smile the whole time. It was so exhilarating! To do what was fun, and not worry about impressing or disappointing anybody!

Man - what a rush! From towels to THIS!

(Oh yeah - and I also paid $4 to climb into a tiny capsule in which a video simulation of a martian roller-coaster ride played as the capsule itself lurched in synchronization with the motions of the film. Thirty seconds into the ride my nauseated stomach and claustrophobic body wanted OUT, but I did manage to make it to the end without hurling!)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Who am I?

Talked to a friend on the phone last night. He's in his blissful second marriage, after his first dissolved in a fashion not dissimilar to mine. He pointed out that right now, I have no CLUE who I am. And he's right! (Scroll down to the John Denver songs lower on this page if you doubt me.) I spent 18 years trying to be the good wife and do what "he" wanted that I've completely lost sight of what I want. Don't even know what that is! Heck, I bought new towels for the powder room two days ago - BROWN instead of the white that had been in there, and it felt like a huge success! Really - it felt as if I'd conquered the world! I made a decision on my own, without consulting anyone or worrying about doing it wrong. I'm pretty sure I like the brown, but am just not sure what else I may - or may not - like. I do now, however, that finding out is going to be an adventure! It means I'll get to try all sort of new things and see which of them I enjoy and which I don't. One thing's for sure: I'm pretty certain I don't like sushi!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Let it be

Today is more of a Beatles day. . . need to work some more on Letting it Be. Accepting. Sometimes I just need to work on accepting that sometimes things are hard for me to accept. I try so hard to control things and MAKE things happen, that I have a hard time letting those things just roll along on their own. What do I mean? Well, making new friends, for instance. I spent so long living in someone else's shadow that I'm having a hard time letting myself relax and make new friends. You can't MAKE people be your friend - you can only relax, be you and let nature take its course. I get so busy being scared people may not like me that I try to force the issue - with results exactly 180 degrees from those that I wanted. Somehow, though, writing about it helps.

Life is really good, the universe knows what it's doing, and if I'll congratulate myself on the things I'm doing well rather than focusing on the weak spots, I'll be much happier at the end of the day.

On a mundane note, the truck's A/C is out - the manifold hose is apparently dead. That wil be $500, thank you very much. How am I supposed to do that?? Again - step back and let the universe manage things. They will unfold as they are supposed to. But oh boy - that's hard to do!

Look for it in the future, bloggees - I suspect there will be LOTS of posts on this topic.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Looking for Space

More John Denver - it really captures where I am right now.

Looking For Space

On the road of experience,
I'm trying to find my own way.
Sometimes I wish that I could fly away
When I think that I'm moving,
suddently things stand still
I'm afraid 'cause I think they always will

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand
It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair

All alone in the universe,
sometimes that's how it seems
I get lost in the sadness and the screams
Then I look in the center,
suddently everything's clear
I find myself in the sunshine and my dreams

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand
It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair

On the road of experience,
join in the living day
if there's an answer,
it's just that
it's just that way

When you're looking for space
And to find out who you are
When you're looking to try and reach the stars
It's a sweet, sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
But sometimes I'm deep in despair

Sometimes I fly like an eagle,
like an eagle
I go flying high

Sweet Surrender

Sometimes John Denver's lyrics hit close to home:

Sweet Surrender

Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
Traveled by many, remembered by few
Lookin' for something that I can believe in
Lookin' for something that I'd like to do with my life

There's nothin' behind me and
nothin' that ties me to
Something that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open
right now it seems to be more than enough
To just be here today,
and I don't know
What the future is holdin' in store
I don't know where I'm goin'
I'm not sure where I've been
There's a spirit that guides me,
a light that shines for me
My life is worth the livin',
I don't need to see the end

Sweet, sweet surrender,
live, live without care
Like a fish in the water, like a bird in the air.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Reclaim my Home - Take One

Today was spent "nesting." That's what they call it when pregnant women spend time running around cleaning and tidying and getting the house ready for their babies. NO - I'm not pregnant! But this life transition is like a rebirth and so I'm nesting some too. Because I get to keep the house, I'm making it more my own, starting with a laundry list of simple upkeep items that have been put off for years. I got clever, went to the store and bought the same paint the builder used to touch up the trim work throughout the house. Man, was it chipped up. Sort of like my heart. Wish it were as easy to patch it, with just a little paint.

First Light!

Wow! I have a blog! Great. . now what do I say? Seems lots of people are encouraging me to start one, so I will - but I can't promise to post every day.

Had dinner with a bunch of friends last night, and started to list what I'm going through: divorce, facing surgery, might have an autoimmune disorder. . . but as one person empathized with the "huge burden" that I'm facing, it occurred to me that I don't view it that way. It's not a huge burden - it's just life! And I can drown in it, or I can soar above it. I choose the latter!

So dear readers, bear with me as I climb this learning curve. What's ahead? Who knows? Its LIFE!